It's been forever since I've posted to this blog, perhaps because my martial arts journey hasn't gone as I had hoped it would lately. But I promised complete honesty with this project, so my story will continue to be voiced. To regain momentum, I will start with the October 4, 2014 event that will forever be one of the greatest highlights of my martial arts journey and my life.
I was on such a high after the night of promotions, when I received my second kyu brown belt. This feeling of elation was in part due to the "my hard work paid off" experience - I had passed the test and moved up in rank. We had trained for the greater part of the summer and even with some obstacles in our way, from sickness to injury and maddening scheduling issues, we showed up and delivered on the night of the test. Drenched in sweat amidst the thick air of pure exhaustion, three of us tied our new belts around our waist ushering in the next chapter of our martial arts journey.
I should have been on a high because I was promoted in less than a year from my return; something I didn't think was actually going to happen due to the nature of promotions in our school and some last minute work trips that impacted my training schedule. I should have felt amazing about the test as our Sensei, Renshi and Hanshi all commented on how well we did and genuinely seemed "jazzed-up" after the ceremony. We all went to dinner after the test and Renshi (who was my first Sensei) said, "Soon we will be preparing our speeches for your black belt ceremony." These words were pure ecstasy; to me, Renshi is superhuman, so for him to think that Shodan is in my future is beyond inspiring.
This excitement, strictly pertaining to my performance, quickly descended from its peak where Renshi’s words rested. During the post-reflection period that occurred for me within the weeks following the test I watched tape of the test, analyzed my every move and became hungrier for my next steps. After watching the tape, all I could think about is how to improve. I didn't hate my performance but I didn't love it either. I didn't feel the confidence and sense of control (mentally) that I did when I promoted to 3rd kyu brown belt at sixteen. I didn't "own" the test, if you will. I still fatigued early on (in my opinion) and my breathing did prove to be an issue - which creates a domino effect in my techniques. I voiced these concerns to Sensei months after the test. He explained, "I wouldn't have had you promote in-front of MY teachers if I didn't think you were ready." His words comforted me in the moment, but that comfort soon faded.
After much reflection on why I was feeling this way, I understand now that I am not where I want to be and that this is why I was, and still am experiencing such discontent with my involvement in the test, and frankly in the dojo (a story for another day). My strength is there, but my speed and stamina are not where I need them to be. Because of some health issues I have, I often take 5 steps forward and then 8 steps back depending on what is going on with my body. This cycle is infuriating. So it is this simple, I am not where I want to be in my martial arts journey. But this individual discontent didn't eclipse my overall two-month high after the promotion ceremony.
Meeting with the Masters after so many years was unreal. Truly I was like a kid on Christmas, except in this case Santa Clause comes in the form of five black belts who are going to kick the crap out of you for the next few hours while you demonstrate everything you know.
These black belts are all truly wonderful men. They are men of integrity, honor, discipline but most importantly, kindness. I feel so blessed to have such amazing individuals at the top of our system's hierarchy.
The night of the promotion I watched my Sensei become a Master. He didn't know it was coming, though the rest of us suspected. I held back tears as I watched him perform his katas. He is so busy teaching us so often that we rarely get to see what he can do anymore, so these moments where we see him in action are the ones I cling to. He is a truly talented martial artist; he performed with such grace and power I reacted very emotionally to his performance and his promotion and had to hold back the tears. Our Sensei was now a Master, a well-deserved one at that. The way he sees his teachers, through the eyes of admiration and absolute respect, is the way I see him. Someone of character who is a true role model, someone I trust, someone I want to make proud; he is the only person that has the power to make me be the marital artist I want to be – which to me means he is a large part of who I want to be as a person because the martial arts is not just a sport but a way of life. His expectations are high, he pushes us hard, but he himself delivers. It is the epitome of leading by example, both inside and outside of the dojo. I feel truly honored to have been there to see him receive his 4th dan from Renshi and Hanshi.
Also to be there the first female Shodan promotion at our school was just incredible. She is humble so of course she minimized her truly amazing accomplishments of that night. She has spent years training, teaching and conducting herself in such a manner that all should aspire to. That night she became Sensei, another title well deserved. Not only was she the first female black belt at our school, but our Sensei's first black belt that he promoted. It was a big night of firsts, and I feel lucky to have been apart of it.
I could go on and on here about all the nuances of the night but really why I was on such a high from this night was because this was dojo history in the making and I was there to witness all of these amazing milestones which included simply wonderful people. What I forgot to keep in mind is everything that rises must fall.